I got an email from a reader a while ago, and I loved her honesty and candor so much. She asked that I answer a few questions for "starter advice", and I think it's a great idea. We've been married a year and a half, so we're still beginners in a lot of ways. I remember before we got married, however, and it was daunting to look at marriage blogs and see all the things I had to master to be a good wife.
Here's the thing: You and your betrothed chose each other because you have some crazy idea that you will be able to make life work together. If God stays in the middle, you will. The warm fuzzies will come and go, but sooner than you think, they will be replaced by a different kind of love that sustains and fulfills.
The reader asked a few specific questions, so I'm going to address those before adding my own starter advice:
Q: What were your first steps in financial planning? Do you have any sort of budget you go by?
A: We had a strange situation being musicians, since we literally never know how much money we will make any given week. We could plan to eat rice and beans, and get a call on Wednesday that we have a great paying gig on Saturday. However, I would refer you to an older post I wrote on giving money its due diligence:
For Richer, For Poorer. Tithing is the most important thing you can do. It's like taking your budget to the chiropractor: Once you get the head in line, the rest just sort of follows suit. I'm not saying it's easy, because it isn't. Communication and clear expectations are the keys to financial talks within your marriage. As for budgeting, I like to refer to Dave Ramsey. His advice is solid and I've seen a lot of people take control of their finances with his systems. (go to
Dave Ramsey's website for more)
Q: How do you juggle school and work?
A: When I was in school and working at the same time, I honestly struggled a lot. School is meant to be a full time occupation, and work takes up some of that time. When you are in this situation, time is your greatest commodity. Don't wait until the end of the semester to realize that. You will not be able to take off work when your classes hit that end-of-semester workload, so plan ahead and balance your work throughout the semester. Take time for yourself, but keep in mind that this is a season that will pass, not a lifestyle that you must maintain for the rest of your life. Love on your husband and communicate that you need his support in this crazy time. We go into marriage with a lot of lofty expectations, but some seasons we need to strip back to bare bones functioning just to come out on the other side unscathed. (see
Unrealistic Expectations for more)
My Starter Advice (in addition to the above):
1.
Go ahead and find someone you can talk to about your marriage without fear. Not your husband, not your mom. Do this before the wedding if you can, and don't be a bridezilla and alienate them! I briefly wrote in an earlier post, "
Friends" about having a mutual pact with a friend that no matter what, you would not hate each others' husband. This has allowed me to really open up and be told that I'm wrong, given godly advice on how to handle the situation, or both.
2.
Get rid of stuff. If you are like I was, you are bringing the majority of the possessions into the marriage. Boys just don't think about how cute that vase would be sitting on the bookshelf next to the decorative antique books. You do need things to make your house feel like a home, but you don't need three of each. I am still doing this and cannot believe the amount of things I held onto. (this applies to clothes too!)
3.
Volunteer. This one is a bit off-the-wall, but the number one destroyer of marriage is selfishness. Volunteer and get in the habit of being selfless and servant-hearted, because you are going to need it.
4.
Find a few verses to cling to during a rough time. I like Psalm 27:14, Proverbs 16:24, and Psalm 23:6 posted up around my house so I can repeat them over and over when I am about to blow a gasket. (The last two are available
here) You need reminders of how loved you are when your head is spinning with anger or hurt feelings.
5.
Find and subscribe to good resources. Personally, I subscribe to
Unveiled Wife and
Proverbs 31 Ministries for a daily read. They are always good, not always relevant to young wives, but solid in scriptural backing. (If you subscribed to me I'd be honored! Go to
Bloglovin or follow in the sidebar!)
6.
Keep looking. Never assume that you have everything figured out. There is always somewhere deeper to go.
I hope this helps you breathe a little easier as you enter this new season!
Caroline
