"Starter Advice". So you're getting married...

I got an email from a reader a while ago, and I loved her honesty and candor so much. She asked that I answer a few questions for "starter advice", and I think it's a great idea. We've been married a year and a half, so we're still beginners in a lot of ways. I remember before we got married, however, and it was daunting to look at marriage blogs and see all the things I had to master to be a good wife.

Here's the thing: You and your betrothed chose each other because you have some crazy idea that you will be able to make life work together. If God stays in the middle, you will. The warm fuzzies will come and go, but sooner than you think, they will be replaced by a different kind of love that sustains and fulfills.

The reader asked a few specific questions, so I'm going to address those before adding my own starter advice:

Q: What were your first steps in financial planning? Do you have any sort of budget you go by?

A: We had a strange situation being musicians, since we literally never know how much money we will make any given week. We could plan to eat rice and beans, and get a call on Wednesday that we have a great paying gig on Saturday. However, I would refer you to an older post I wrote on giving money its due diligence: For Richer, For Poorer. Tithing is the most important thing you can do. It's like taking your budget to the chiropractor: Once you get the head in line, the rest just sort of follows suit. I'm not saying it's easy, because it isn't. Communication and clear expectations are the keys to financial talks within your marriage. As for budgeting, I like to refer to Dave Ramsey. His advice is solid and I've seen a lot of people take control of their finances with his systems. (go to Dave Ramsey's website for more)

Q: How do you juggle school and work?

A: When I was in school and working at the same time, I honestly struggled a lot. School is meant to be a full time occupation, and work takes up some of that time. When you are in this situation, time is your greatest commodity. Don't wait until the end of the semester to realize that. You will not be able to take off work when your classes hit that end-of-semester workload, so plan ahead and balance your work throughout the semester. Take time for yourself, but keep in mind that this is a season that will pass, not a lifestyle that you must maintain for the rest of your life. Love on your husband and communicate that you need his support in this crazy time. We go into marriage with a lot of lofty expectations, but some seasons we need to strip back to bare bones functioning just to come out on the other side unscathed. (see Unrealistic Expectations for more)

My Starter Advice (in addition to the above):

1. Go ahead and find someone you can talk to about your marriage without fear. Not your husband, not your mom. Do this before the wedding if you can, and don't be a bridezilla and alienate them! I briefly wrote in an earlier post, "Friends" about having a mutual pact with a friend that no matter what, you would not hate each others' husband. This has allowed me to really open up and be told that I'm wrong, given godly advice on how to handle the situation, or both.

2. Get rid of stuff. If you are like I was, you are bringing the majority of the possessions into the marriage. Boys just don't think about how cute that vase would be sitting on the bookshelf next to the decorative antique books. You do need things to make your house feel like a home, but you don't need three of each. I am still doing this and cannot believe the amount of things I held onto. (this applies to clothes too!)

3. Volunteer. This one is a bit off-the-wall, but the number one destroyer of marriage is selfishness. Volunteer and get in the habit of being selfless and servant-hearted, because you are going to need it.

4. Find a few verses to cling to during a rough time. I like Psalm 27:14, Proverbs 16:24, and Psalm 23:6 posted up around my house so I can repeat them over and over when I am about to blow a gasket. (The last two are available here) You need reminders of how loved you are when your head is spinning with anger or hurt feelings.

5. Find and subscribe to good resources. Personally, I subscribe to Unveiled Wife and Proverbs 31 Ministries for a daily read. They are always good, not always relevant to young wives, but solid in scriptural backing. (If you subscribed to me I'd be honored! Go to Bloglovin or follow in the sidebar!)

6. Keep looking. Never assume that you have everything figured out. There is always somewhere deeper to go.

I hope this helps you breathe a little easier as you enter this new season!

Caroline

How to Respond to "23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged"

No matter how hard you try, you can only see things from your own perspective. You can try to imagine what someone in a different situation would feel, and that is sympathy. To give people advice or life coaching, you need to have a strong enough imagination to put yourself into the shoes of someone who opposes your ideas.

I understand the reasoning behind "23 things to do instead of getting engaged before you're 23", but the language is borderline hateful and pretty closed-minded. Most of my friends that posted the article are neither of those things. If you do not feel ready to get married young, don't get married young. If you find the person you are supposed to be with and feel like God is leading you to a young marriage, marry them up already.

The article was written from a world view that feels like marriage limits your adventure, but what marriage really does is force you to grow up. I believe that there are a ton of really mature unmarried people out there, and I think that marriage might be a little easier for them since they are already so adult. However, selfishness has no room in a healthy and happy marriage (let alone a healthy and happy life!). You can do many of the things on the article's list without being selfish, like adopting a pet or starting a business.

If you are young and married and have seen this article all over your friends' Facebooks like I have, don't get offended or let your feelings get hurt. You have made a decision that is right for your life, and it probably took you some time to come to that decision. Don't expect someone who you barely know to understand your inner motivations in a Facebook comment.
Inappropriate:  "I can't believe you would post that! My husband and I love each other and this is an attack on our marriage directly."
Appropriate:  Just don't comment. :)


If you are unmarried and can't imagine tying yourself down, don't worry. Enjoy your life and come over to your married friends' for dinner. If you find yourself wanting to shame them for their life decision, don't. Expand your perspective and speak out of love.
Inappropriate: "Why did you get married and tie yourself down/lose your sense of adventure/are you pregnant?"
Appropriate: "How did you decide that it was the right time for you and your husband to get married?"

Speak out of love and everything will work out.

Caroline

Free Printable!

Here's a little treat to hold you over until I get my shop set up :)

Download Free Printable Here

Tearing down the house

I spend a lot of time working on my life. I work on my home (keeping it clean and decorating it), I work on my appearance (working out and making an effort to look good), my relationship with the Lord, my marriage, my music, etc. I have felt like I have been putting everything I have into building up my life. I was pouring out my heart to God and asking, "Why am I still not happy? Why am I unsatisfied? My life is fine but my heart is aching." I then read through some verses and found this one that slapped me in the face: 

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
Proverbs 14:1

Theodore Roosevelt said that "Comparison is the thief of joy." I was looking around at the lives of other people around me, people who struggle with different things than I do, and completely ignoring what the Lord had given me.

I was building my house just to take a sledgehammer to it.

I got absolutely wrecked by this truth. I have an amazing life, but getting my enjoyment of it based on how it was different (better or worse) than another woman's life. My problem was pride.

I was pretty ashamed of this, and I didn't know where to go from there. Then I remembered. God chose me before I was even born. I didn't do anything to deserve his love. I am a daughter, not a slave coming broken and ashamed before his throne.

A friend described her habit of standing in front of a mirror and praying when she felt bad about herself. She would evaluate the negative thoughts against what she knew the Lord thought of her.

"I'm fat, which makes me undesirable."
 You are chosen and loved. 
"Well, I'm unhealthy and I don't feel good."
You were created to have life abundant, and your habits are in the way.

She would come to the conclusion that her worth was not determined by the lumps and bumps she saw, but by the love of her Father. This did not mean that she didn't have room for improvement. It just meant that her worth was not tied to her successes or failures.

This is liberating! I have the ability and commission to improve, but I am not going to lose the love of my Lord if I fail!

This is one of those things that makes you want to dance around and celebrate, so for that I leave you with my dear friend Molly Skaggs' song:

Be blessed!!!

Caroline

God's Gift to Men

I'm referring to God's gift to your man, specifically.

Guess what it is?

YOU!

Before you start walking around all puffed up and self-centered treating your man like he's so lucky that he ever got you, let me explain.

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. 
Genesis 2:18 

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.
Proverbs 31:10

He who finds a wife finds a good things and obtains favor from the Lord.
Proverbs 18:22

House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.  
Proverbs 19:14

You: imperfect, maybe-not-as-thin-as-you-want, sometimes crazy, often not even understanding yourself, are a gift from God to your husband.

Let that sink in.

God loves you so much already, but he also loves your husband. Sometimes that's easy to forget when you are in the heat of an argument or the drudgery of everyday life. He loves your husband so much that he decided he needed help. When you married your husband, you became a vehicle of love. You ARE the Lord's favor when it comes to your husband's life!!

You are like a spoon in a bowl of God's love. Your husband could just stick his face in the bowl and get it himself, but how much better is it that you get to deliver the most incredible love there is!

It is easy to remember that he is intimately loved by God when he is:

• cute
• flirting with you
• doing dishes
• doing any chores
• standing up for you
• etc, etc.

It is NOT as easy to remember that he is a son of the kingdom when he is:

• arguing with you
• sitting on the couch while you do chores
• being rude
• arguing with you

Here's the thing: He will always be a child of God. God will never stop loving him, and that takes some of the pressure off of you. I don't know about you, but thinking that I am totally responsible for providing all the love my husband needs 24/7 is daunting at the least. Realizing that I just have to let the Lord work through me is so comforting. I'm just a delivery girl, not the producer.

No one has seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and His Love is made complete in us. 
1 John 4:12