Wash 'n' Wear

One dark and gloomy day, I put on a comfy outfit to go run errands and see friends. I walked out of the bedroom and Everett said the following statement with a wincing face:

"You look...good, but lately you kind of look off the market."

I quickly retorted, "I AM off the market!" laughing and putting on a scarf.  I thought about it later, and realized that I had entered marriage with all these grand ideas of how I would dress like a classy Southern lady, but had ended up wearing my work uniform all the time. As a senior citizen assistant, I wear comfy (ugly) shoes, jeans, and a casual/modest shirt. Although I will defend my right to wear yoga pants to the end, I realized that I could dress nicely as a way to honor my husband, not just to make myself feel good. Now, I realize this brings up lots of feminist arguments, like "Don't let a man dictate what you wear!", which I am not. Everett will tell you, I wear exactly what I want. I'm talking about making your husband do a double take when he sees you out in public, about making him excited about being married to such a hot chick.

my laundromat is so hip. (and nosy!)

Most of my clothes are thrifted, like that belt, dress and those boots ($1, $4 and $6, respectively). I usually get my other clothes from Target and TJ Maxx. I don't like to spend money (a topic we'll address later!).  

When you feel cute, you feel good, and you remind your husband (even if he doesn't think he's forgotten) how cute the woman he married is. It's a win win situation. Try it!

--Caroline

For Better or For Worse

This phrase is used pretty consistently in society to express that something is not desired or not the best outcome.

"Well, I guess that's our new president, for better or for worse."

"I'm stuck in this job, for better or for worse."

"I guess I have to stay with you, for better or for worse."

I think that this phrase is one of the most exciting parts of the entire covenant. Who else better to lean on in the dark times than someone who has literally vowed before God that they will stand by you, for better or for worse?

Jump up and down! Get excited! This is AWESOME!

Need I list the "worse" parts of life that the enemy throws at us?

• Stress
• Anxiety
• Money troubles
• Friend troubles
• HOMEWORK
• Job insecurity
• ANY kind of insecurity

This list is not all-inclusive, obviously. The other side of it is the hard part of marriage, the fact that you are two people who have grown up for at least 18 years in different families, most likely went to different high schools, and have different ways of viewing the world. When you look at the human part of marriage, the fact that marriage is a uniting of two people, it's a miracle that it ever works.
The world likes to try to get us to believe that you should stay married "as long as you're in love." The great Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it differently:

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage,
but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”

           -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

We are called as Christians to live in ways that are totally upside down from the rest of the world. This is a radical act, to stay in love with someone because of your marriage. I'm going to go into that more when I get to the vow, "to love and cherish", but for today, that love means realizing that problems are temporary, vows are not. I am not a divorcee-hater, but I'd venture to say they would agree with me that if you can avoid divorce, do your absolute best.

We have been learning this vow lately as I have been going through some depression and physical sickness. I can be a "black hole of suckiness" (Everett's words) when I get depressed. He has been sticking by my side in little ways that help immensely. The other day at Subway, I didn't want anything because my appetite was just not there. He fixed it by ordering my favorite sub (which is not his favorite!) and making me split it with him. The next day he took me out to breakfast at my favorite local spot after driving himself to and from his 8 am class just to let me sleep late.

Last night he had a headache and came home burnt out from teaching. I decided to match his effort at "loving you at your worst" by making pizza and turning on a samurai movie. Let me tell you girls, no matter how much you hate the sound of a sword slicing through the neck of a peasant, it somehow does wonders for a man's soul.

Challenge yourself this week to directionality. When the going gets tough, get excited. This is where the really big growth and unconditional love kicks in.

Happy Good Friday!

--Caroline

To Have and to Hold

Attention: In this post, I will address matters of ownership and sacrifice in marriage. This is NOT advocating an abusive marriage or one that devalues the woman. This IS advocating a marriage where each party is sacrificing their entire being willfully and joyfully. If you believe you may be in an abusive relationship, please seek help immediately.

________________________________________________________

"To have and to hold, a phrase app[arently] of legal origin ...: To have (or receive) and keep or retain, indicating continuance of possession."

"habendum et tenendum. A clause or series of clauses in an instrument of conveyance (i.e. a Deed) which defines the extent of title (i.e. fee simple or such other title) being transferred to the new owner of land."--Real Estate Glossary

What does ownership mean in the context of marriage? Here is what ownership does NOT mean:

NOT:

• Determining where the other is allowed to go. 
• Controlling one or more aspects of their life against their will.
• Dictating how the other dresses.
• Choosing the other's friends.
• Using physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
• Controlling the other's money or other resources.  
• Etc.

These bullet points were taken from a list of abuse indicators. If you have any of these in your relationship, please seek help as soon as possible.

I am not advocating an ancient marriage, where the wife is treated as property that is transferred from her father to her husband for a few cows. I am, however, speaking about a marriage of ownership. When you say your vows, you are making a covenant before the Lord. The Hebrew word for covenant comes from the phrase "to cut". When making a covenant in biblical times, the two people involved would make a sacrifice of some sort to make the agreement between them sacred and unbreakable. The sacrifice you make on your wedding day is a sacrifice of many of your rights. You can no longer make decisions about your finances, your future, or your body without consulting your husband.
Contrary to popular belief, this is not limiting. In fact, the power created by the combination of both of your experiences, beliefs, and lives will make your marriage an absolute rocket ship of effectiveness and action if you can give up the control that we as women are cautioned and conditioned to guard.

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. --1 Corinthians 7:4

The difficult part of this vow is the temptation to exert that God-given control over your spouse. This is the opposite way that it was intended. Sacrificing your desires, dreams, and entitlements is one of the greatest acts of love.

I have struggled with this part of the vows for some time now. I am better with numbers, so I keep track of the money. I have a more flexible schedule, so I do most of the housework and shopping. I have to readjust my sight to realize that just because I run the majority of the household and finances, I am not in control of this marriage. I need to follow my husband's heart as he sees his dream materializing in front of his eyes. The more I do this, the happier I find myself in this marriage. He supports me in my thousand dreams and never makes any large purchases without consulting me about the state of our finances. We have to give this marriage back to the Lord each and every day, but we cannot be good stewards of something that we do not own. We fail at it every day, but the success is so sweet. Each of us depends on the other for success on this, and it is deeply beautiful when it is done right.

--Caroline

Vows

Everett and I brought our own special flavor to the wedding vows at our ceremony: (we took turns saying a line at a time)

Everett:

I vow to love you
to respect you
to always share my dessert
to play music for you
to write you love letters
to do most of the driving
to indulge your geeky side
to always believe your current haircut is the best you’ve ever had
to build you a home
to never stop learning to dream big dreams
to not overshadow you with my fame
to wake you every morning
to (try my hardest to) remember where I left my keys and phone
to be open-minded
to cherish you for always
to never, ever give up

Caroline:

I vow to love you
to be your best friend
to always share MY dessert
to take spontaneous road trips
to always provide you with more trivia than you need
to laugh at your jokes
to be patient
to consult you before painting the walls a crazy color
to always be awed by your pioneering spirit
to be your biggest fan
to kiss you every night
to ask about your day
to remember where you left your keys and phone
to hold your hand
to admit when I’m wrong
to never give up.



These are the vows I got when Googling "traditional wedding vows":

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband),
to have and to hold from this day forward, 
for better or for worse, 
for richer, for poorer, 
in sickness and in health, 
to love and to cherish; 
from this day forward until death do us part. 

We have all heard these words a thousand times in movies and weddings we've attended. I've found that the more I hear a phrase, especially one with deep spiritual connotations, the harder it is to fully absorb the meaning. Over the next few weeks I'm going to be diving into what traditional vows mean to us as wives and Christians, and shining a light on the importance of keeping those vows in the forefront of your mind when the going gets tough. 
Until next time,

--Caroline

Family Meal for Two

This past Saturday was the hottest day this year. We all wore shorts, short sleeves, cute dresses and sandals. It was gorgeous. Gave me hope that spring was coming soon. Then last night, it snowed. Winter wrapped its icy-cold jealous fingers around the neck of Spring and pulled her offstage, stealing a few more weeks of the spotlight.

I decided it was the perfect time to make one of Everett's favorite meals, "Winter Soup". We call it that because we can't come up with a name that better describes the way it fills your belly with warmth and satisfaction. There is nothing better than exploiting your ability to have a "family meal" with your family of two, but a lot of recipes make way too much food for two people to eat, even with leftovers. I have a couple of recipes that I make consistently, and I'll be sharing them over a few posts. This one is relatively inexpensive, quick, and incredibly filling (good news for those of you who have husbands with bottomless stomachs!). Here's the recipe:

 

Ingredients:
1 box of vegetable broth
1 can of white cannelloni beans
1 cup of frozen/chopped spinach
1 bag of frozen tortellini
Between 1/2 tsp and 2 tsp chili powder, to taste

*optional: shredded cooked chicken.

1. Pour the vegetable broth in a large saucepan and turn the heat on medium. Add the chili powder.

2. Add the white beans and spinach. Let simmer for 15 minutes or so. *You can add cooked chicken at this point if you want. It's cheaper without it (and vegetarian!).

3. Add frozen tortellini and cook as directed on the package. (Usually about 6-8 minutes).

Done!

I serve this with sweet tea and rolls, and Everett loves it with freshly grated Parmesan or mozzarella on top. It keeps well and is wonderful as leftovers. Enjoy!

--Caroline

Rainy Day Favorites

I'm feeling really sick today, almost as if I'm allergic to this rain. Where did the sunshine go? Because I'm feeling so under the weather (hyuk hyuk) I decided to write a post about my favorite websites, books, and other resources for making the first year of marriage a little easier. 

1.The First 90 Days of Marriage
     This book is incredible. Co-written by husband and wife Eric and Leslie Ludy, it challenges couples to reject the culture's standard of a mediocre marriage in favor of a "fairy-tale" marriage. Here's a quote from the introduction:

"This book is about having a marvelous marriage; a marriage that sparkles, a marriage that will go the distance without ever losing its luster, a marriage that makes Hollywood's rendition of romance look forlorn and in need of a make-over. This book is written for those who are willing to do whatever it takes to scale the Everest of married love. This book is for those willing to wake up every morning and compete with me and Leslie for the world championship of lifelong romance."

Eric Ludy, The First 90 Days of Marriage

2. Unveiled Wife
      Jennifer Smith started this blog back in 2011 to give other Christian wives a source of encouragement and community. She writes prayers for marriage, advice on how to excel as a wife, and opens the floor for conversation among Christian women. One of my favorites features is her "Encouraging Letters to Celebrity Wives." She chooses a different celebrity wife each month (she can be a newlywed or not) to write a letter to, as well as encouraging her blog followers to write. She recently wrote a letter to Jada Pinkett-Smith who proceeded to post the letter onto her own public Facebook page, saying that "For all the wives out there, we have someone who supports our journey." Her advice is solid, and her spirit is really sweet. 

 About

3. Rachel Making Lemonade

     If you like fashion, photography, and babies, this is the blog for you. Rachel is a young mother of twin boys who loves fashion and is really good with a camera. She has a sweet relationship with her husband that she is not afraid to talk about, and it is a refreshingly honest and open blog. If you subscribe, be prepared for a weekly dose of either a cute outfit, an ADORABLE little boy, or a heartfelt post from a truly beautiful soul. Check her out and like her on Facebook. (Her Pinterest is also top-notch!)

 Credit: Rachel Ackerman 2013

 4. Ben Roberts Photography and Foxberry Farm

     I know this blog is geared towards married women, but I couldn't help a shout out to my wedding photographer and close friends. If you are reading this blog because you are preparing to get married in the near future, congratulations! Ben Roberts is one of my favorite people on this earth, and he takes some of the most beautiful pictures I've ever seen. All of the pictures of our wedding that you see here on this blog were provided by his photographic talent. Foxberry Farm is an Etsy shop run by my dear friend Caroline Ely, and she provides some of the most beautiful vintage clothing (especially wedding dresses!). Ben does her photography, so the picture below is a plug for both of them. 

 Buy this dress!

Credit: Ben Roberts 2012

Self education is the best education, because your motivation is from something bigger than the threat of a bad grade. Read up and prepare, because marriage is no joke. "It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's also the easiest," my friend told me a few weeks before my wedding. Her wisdom has stood strong, so I encourage you to find marriage maintenance resources rather than waiting until you need marriage rescue resources. If you have any favorite blogs, books, or vendors that you want me or other readers to know about, please put them in the comments! 

Here's to fairy-tale marriages!

--Caroline

Top Ten Things

Top Ten things about being married in college:

1. "We'll both be benefiting from each other's degree's, so I'll do your English homework and you do my math homework."

2. Breakfast dates before class. 

3. "Study" dates. 

4. Having predetermined vacation dates. (There will come a time where spring break seems like a distant luxury!)

5. Husbands make great college roommates. 

6. You grow up together. Some people have asked me, "Why did you get married before you had a chance to go out and experience the world?" I smile because they don't understand that I will have shared experiences with my husband from a young age, meaning that there is a lower chance for hidden secrets, scarring, and bad habits to form. 

7. Uncle Sam! This is not a good standalone reason to get married, but grants that come when you become independent from your parents sure do make life a little easier. 

8. Couple friends are much easier to find in college than they are in the real world. After all, your group of coed friends hangs out because they love each other; it only makes sense for some of them to pair off. 

9. Direction. I am not going to graduate school and move back in with my parents. We have plans to start our life the day after graduation, and having each other makes us accountable with our dreams. I support his dreams to be a recording engineer, and he supports my dreams to one day be a mom. 

10. Fun. College is a time of learning to balance work and play. Who better to enjoy life with than your soul mate? You married him because you like him! Have fun while you have no kids to hire a babysitter for!

What's your favorite thing about marriage? 

Write a "top ten reasons I love my husband" list and hide it where he'll find it!

--Caroline

Growth Rate

By this point in your life, you have habits. You like your coffee a certain way, you like your shower a certain length, and you like to have certain parts of the house cleaner than others. Marriage can be a sledgehammer to your trophy case of habits. My husband is a "constant-cleaner". This means that he will pick up plates when he's done with them, put away books after he reads them, etc. I am a "blitzkrieg-cleaner". I love the transformation between hoarder's paradise to organizational dream. I actually watch the Hoarders TV show while I clean for motivation.

NOT my house.

This causes some "discussions" on a pretty regular basis, but we're both coming to a sort of middle ground. I am more often picking up things right after I use them, and I clean my car out once every 2 weeks rather than once every 2 months.
I recently began to get discouraged. Not only was I struggling to adjust to the new method of cleaning (arguably much better than my own), I felt like we were not where we needed to be in our marriage. We were not superheroes of marital bliss.

We went over to a new friend's house, where she introduced us to her baby. The baby happened to be born on our wedding weekend, so she held him up and laughed, "This is how old your marriage is!" That's when I realized it. At that point, our marriage could not even hold its head up! Any time I get discouraged now, I look up a picture of a child as old as our marriage. We can't even walk. We don't know how to say "Thank you." We can laugh, we can survive little tumbles, and we can cuddle like nobody's business.

9 months old

 Be encouraged! My friend Emma gave me a mantra to get me through the first bit: "Grace for him, grace for me." I can't tell you how many times I said that phrase. "You're both new at marriage," she said, "Give yourselves a break!" So no matter how many times you fight about the location of the coat rack or the temperature of the house, chill out. You'll get the hang of it.

--Caroline

Friends

You NEED them. I don't mean you need to have a long list of people you chat with on Facebook, or girls that you tell "Oh hey let's hang out sometime!" and never get around to it. You need women in your life because your husband does not possess the necessary amounts of estrogen to understand why you can worry about the cleaning and your homework and your weight and world issues and so on and so on, all at the same time. My pastor brought up the old spaghetti-waffles analogy: Men are like waffles--they move from square to square in their thought processes. We are like spaghetti. Every problem is connected to ten more problems. My husband said he likes to match a problem with a solution, while I apparently connect problems to problems. 

Your girlfriends will understand this, not because you explain it so eloquently as you try to for your husband, but because they go through the same thing. I spent the first 19 years of my life begging God for a friend that I could be truly close and vulnerable with, and boy did he provide. I have a friend that makes tea and bakes organic homemade pies when I show up on the front steps of her farmhouse crying. I have a friend who inspires me to be more artistic in my worship and more worshipful in my art. I have a friend who I can geek out with over Doctor who and discuss deep spiritual truths with. This last friend is engaged, and we know each other's hearts.

WARNING: Having girl friends can tempt you to vent about your husband. DO NOT do this. You may have a rough morning with him, but you can forgive him and talk it out in the evening. If you tell your friend in the afternoon, she won't forget, she'll rarely forgive, and she'll start to resent your husband because giving her this deep a glimpse into your marriage is too small a picture for her to understand.  My friend and I have a pact:
I can vent about my husband/fiance because I need support and advice, but I promise to take all of your complaints with a grain of salt and to never let it influence my opinion of your man.

This is SUCH an important safeguard, but I recommend you only have it with one person. Too many and it starts to become gossip and an indicator of a deeper problem. 

Invest in your girls, don't let your marriage suck you out of the world. Your hubby comes first, but the friendships you make now will not only last (some of them), but they can set the framework for how you handle friendships throughout the course of your marriage. Take them out for coffee, invite them over, go shopping (responsibly!).

You've got this.

--Caroline

Hi ladies!

If you're like me, a married college student with no children, we are in a gap of ministry and advice. I recently did a Google search for blogs about being married in college, and came up with little to nothing. For college women, the advice usually focuses on how to stay pure, make yourself spiritually beautiful, and be ready and suitable for the "right guy" to come along. For married women, the advice circles around how to balance your marriage with your motherhood. I totally respect the authors of these blogs and I believe that they are fulfilling a key need, but where do we fit in?

We fit in the hearts of our husbands. We fit in the lives of our friends. We fit in the women's groups, the college groups, the marriage seminars. We struggle to balance classwork with housework with hanging out with friends with date night (what's that??). Our trials are real, and our joys are hard to communicate to our peers. Over the course of this blog I hope to address some real issues that I've dealt with as a proud earner of an MRS Degree, and either answer any questions that you have along the way or find someone who can. (I also can't help myself but share the joys in our life and what God is doing!)

Kiss him goodnight!

-Caroline