To Have and to Hold

Attention: In this post, I will address matters of ownership and sacrifice in marriage. This is NOT advocating an abusive marriage or one that devalues the woman. This IS advocating a marriage where each party is sacrificing their entire being willfully and joyfully. If you believe you may be in an abusive relationship, please seek help immediately.

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"To have and to hold, a phrase app[arently] of legal origin ...: To have (or receive) and keep or retain, indicating continuance of possession."

"habendum et tenendum. A clause or series of clauses in an instrument of conveyance (i.e. a Deed) which defines the extent of title (i.e. fee simple or such other title) being transferred to the new owner of land."--Real Estate Glossary

What does ownership mean in the context of marriage? Here is what ownership does NOT mean:

NOT:

• Determining where the other is allowed to go. 
• Controlling one or more aspects of their life against their will.
• Dictating how the other dresses.
• Choosing the other's friends.
• Using physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
• Controlling the other's money or other resources.  
• Etc.

These bullet points were taken from a list of abuse indicators. If you have any of these in your relationship, please seek help as soon as possible.

I am not advocating an ancient marriage, where the wife is treated as property that is transferred from her father to her husband for a few cows. I am, however, speaking about a marriage of ownership. When you say your vows, you are making a covenant before the Lord. The Hebrew word for covenant comes from the phrase "to cut". When making a covenant in biblical times, the two people involved would make a sacrifice of some sort to make the agreement between them sacred and unbreakable. The sacrifice you make on your wedding day is a sacrifice of many of your rights. You can no longer make decisions about your finances, your future, or your body without consulting your husband.
Contrary to popular belief, this is not limiting. In fact, the power created by the combination of both of your experiences, beliefs, and lives will make your marriage an absolute rocket ship of effectiveness and action if you can give up the control that we as women are cautioned and conditioned to guard.

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. --1 Corinthians 7:4

The difficult part of this vow is the temptation to exert that God-given control over your spouse. This is the opposite way that it was intended. Sacrificing your desires, dreams, and entitlements is one of the greatest acts of love.

I have struggled with this part of the vows for some time now. I am better with numbers, so I keep track of the money. I have a more flexible schedule, so I do most of the housework and shopping. I have to readjust my sight to realize that just because I run the majority of the household and finances, I am not in control of this marriage. I need to follow my husband's heart as he sees his dream materializing in front of his eyes. The more I do this, the happier I find myself in this marriage. He supports me in my thousand dreams and never makes any large purchases without consulting me about the state of our finances. We have to give this marriage back to the Lord each and every day, but we cannot be good stewards of something that we do not own. We fail at it every day, but the success is so sweet. Each of us depends on the other for success on this, and it is deeply beautiful when it is done right.

--Caroline