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Tearing down the house

I spend a lot of time working on my life. I work on my home (keeping it clean and decorating it), I work on my appearance (working out and making an effort to look good), my relationship with the Lord, my marriage, my music, etc. I have felt like I have been putting everything I have into building up my life. I was pouring out my heart to God and asking, "Why am I still not happy? Why am I unsatisfied? My life is fine but my heart is aching." I then read through some verses and found this one that slapped me in the face: 

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
Proverbs 14:1

Theodore Roosevelt said that "Comparison is the thief of joy." I was looking around at the lives of other people around me, people who struggle with different things than I do, and completely ignoring what the Lord had given me.

I was building my house just to take a sledgehammer to it.

I got absolutely wrecked by this truth. I have an amazing life, but getting my enjoyment of it based on how it was different (better or worse) than another woman's life. My problem was pride.

I was pretty ashamed of this, and I didn't know where to go from there. Then I remembered. God chose me before I was even born. I didn't do anything to deserve his love. I am a daughter, not a slave coming broken and ashamed before his throne.

A friend described her habit of standing in front of a mirror and praying when she felt bad about herself. She would evaluate the negative thoughts against what she knew the Lord thought of her.

"I'm fat, which makes me undesirable."
 You are chosen and loved. 
"Well, I'm unhealthy and I don't feel good."
You were created to have life abundant, and your habits are in the way.

She would come to the conclusion that her worth was not determined by the lumps and bumps she saw, but by the love of her Father. This did not mean that she didn't have room for improvement. It just meant that her worth was not tied to her successes or failures.

This is liberating! I have the ability and commission to improve, but I am not going to lose the love of my Lord if I fail!

This is one of those things that makes you want to dance around and celebrate, so for that I leave you with my dear friend Molly Skaggs' song:

Be blessed!!!

Caroline

God's Gift to Men

I'm referring to God's gift to your man, specifically.

Guess what it is?

YOU!

Before you start walking around all puffed up and self-centered treating your man like he's so lucky that he ever got you, let me explain.

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. 
Genesis 2:18 

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.
Proverbs 31:10

He who finds a wife finds a good things and obtains favor from the Lord.
Proverbs 18:22

House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.  
Proverbs 19:14

You: imperfect, maybe-not-as-thin-as-you-want, sometimes crazy, often not even understanding yourself, are a gift from God to your husband.

Let that sink in.

God loves you so much already, but he also loves your husband. Sometimes that's easy to forget when you are in the heat of an argument or the drudgery of everyday life. He loves your husband so much that he decided he needed help. When you married your husband, you became a vehicle of love. You ARE the Lord's favor when it comes to your husband's life!!

You are like a spoon in a bowl of God's love. Your husband could just stick his face in the bowl and get it himself, but how much better is it that you get to deliver the most incredible love there is!

It is easy to remember that he is intimately loved by God when he is:

• cute
• flirting with you
• doing dishes
• doing any chores
• standing up for you
• etc, etc.

It is NOT as easy to remember that he is a son of the kingdom when he is:

• arguing with you
• sitting on the couch while you do chores
• being rude
• arguing with you

Here's the thing: He will always be a child of God. God will never stop loving him, and that takes some of the pressure off of you. I don't know about you, but thinking that I am totally responsible for providing all the love my husband needs 24/7 is daunting at the least. Realizing that I just have to let the Lord work through me is so comforting. I'm just a delivery girl, not the producer.

No one has seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and His Love is made complete in us. 
1 John 4:12

Delightful Dinner

My car has been putting me through the wringer over the past month. The alternator was sending surges of electricity to the engine, which blew out the headlights. The battery then died right before my shift at work, leaving me stranded at our apartment until a friend came to my rescue. We bought a new battery and alternator, and Everett installed them. On his way to lunch after fixing the car, the belt broke. He then fixed that, and drove home as quickly and carefully as he could.

Luckily for him, I had a delicious dinner waiting and ready as soon as he got back.

I started with some roasted chickpeas, a new recipe that I modified from several on Pinterest.

Roasted Chickpeas

Ingredients:

• 1 can of chickpeas (garbanzo beans)
• olive oil
• garlic powder
• salt

Directions:

1. Drain can of beans and dump onto cookie sheet. 
2. Broil at 525 degrees for 10 minutes.
3. Shake cookie sheet to move beans and broil for 5 more minutes.
4. Dump beans into bowl and toss with oil, garlic and salt. 
5. Place back into the oven and roast until brown.

 Next, I made some of my "original recipe" creamed corn.

Creamed Corn

Ingredients:

• Can of yellow corn
• 1 cup of milk 
• salt
• cinnamon

Directions:

1. Drain corn and dump into pan. 
2. Cook without water or oil for about 5 minutes so that the sugars in the corn can caramelize.
3. Turn heat to low, add 1 cup of milk.
4. Add salt and cinnamon to taste, let simmer.

For the main course, I had a garlic and peppercorn pork loin from Trader Joe's that I cooked in the crockpot with my secret marinade for 6 hours. (My marinade is so secret that I don't even know what it is, I just dump things in until I think it will taste good!)

Look at those eyes!

The chickpeas were so yummy! I'll definitely be making some for healthy snacks later on. I served the pork on pita bread toasted with oil and garlic salt, and I think I've found the bread I'm going to serve barbeque on forever. Everett is obsessed with that corn recipe. Obsessed. We later ruined the health benefits finished it off by going to the local snowcone stand, and got silly with sugar highs.

The (rather simplistic) moral of the story is that if lots of things go wrong, control what you can and make delicious food to make the day a good one.

Break's over, y'all!

I want to apologize to you! I have been overwhelmed with school and work, and have not been able to update this blog in WEEKS. I have recently left my job and will have more time to pursue the things I love in life, including writing.

I sit on our couch in the living room with my husband and our dear friend, watching River Monsters, and I am so happy. My "Hayride" candle is burning and there is a bushel of apples on the coffee table.We are listening to scratch recordings from other members of our band, which is reuniting at long last.

I have made the decision to pursue a living as a full-time musician. God is so crazy in the ways he works. I lost my desire to be a full-time musician after a year and a half of music school, and instead became a business major and ran full speed after a career in business. After several years of business school and a foray into the corporate world, the Lord has reawakened the desire in my heart to make a living as a musician. Here's the crazy part: All of that business training is exactly what I needed to learn in order to successfully make it as a musician.

I could not have thought of this plan myself. Who but the Lord could create such a crafty plan, working with the desires of my heart to train me to be exactly what he wanted?

I'll be back with some actual posts later this week, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here and I'm in it for the long haul!

--Caroline

Easy Homemade Bread

Time for the promised recipe post!

I found this recipe on Pinterest (original source), and it worked amazingly. I love making fresh bread, but I sometimes find it difficult to schedule my day around the rising and kneading schedule. This bread, however, is the quickest one I have ever done. It makes two loaves, and they are big enough to eat one and share one with a friend. (Side note: giving someone a fresh loaf of bread as a hostess gift is one of the most show-stopping things you can do!) If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, this is that gorgeous bread I've posted pictures of in the past.

Here's the recipe!

Ingredients:
2 cups warm water
1 packet yeast
2 tablespoons sugar
1 1/2 teaspoon salt
4-5 cups flour  
1 egg

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
2. Mix warm water, sugar, and yeast until sugar is dissolved. Let sit til you see bubbles. 
3. Begin to gradually add flour and salt until the dough is no longer sticky. 
4. Knead the dough until it is stretchy.
5. Divide the dough into two equal parts and form into two loaves.
6. Place loaves on a greased cookie sheet.
7. Beat egg and brush over top of loaves. 
8. Bake until golden brown. (around 20 minutes)

mine is a little underbaked at this point--you want to keep going a bit past this!

Everett LOVES this bread as a companion to almost anything I cook, but some fresh jam or good honey is the perfect topping to a hot-n-fresh slice.

Enjoy!

--Caroline

Perspective

I was listening to the radio last week, and the guest featured on the show mentioned that his favorite way to regain perspective was to ask himself the following questions:

How will I feel about this situation in 10 minutes?

10 months?

10 years?

I started to ask myself these questions about little fights Everett and I had, and I have been amazed at the results. The questions are short enough to remember, but pointed enough to really change your mind. For example, how much will I care about the boxers on the floor in 10 minutes? Will I even remember them in 10 months? 10 years from now it'll hopefully be our little children's clothes on the floor, so I won't even remember this one time Everett left his in the middle of the living room. I can move on easily and peacefully.

Try it and see what you think! The simplest solutions can be the most effective. My self defense teacher said it best: "I can teach you some complicated stuff that works really well, but you are not going to remember it in a crisis. You are going to remember the stuff that you can make into a reflex, and that'll keep you safe."

I'll be back later this week with some yummy recipes!

--Caroline

Home Making Pt. 1

The Living Room and Kitchen Edition!

We've been in our new apartment for about two months now, and it is finally starting to feel like home. Almost everything we own is vintage or secondhand, and it's a challenge getting it all to go together. The biggest lesson I've learned is how to edit. I have a tendency to put as many pretty things as I can fit in an area, and sometimes that's just not the right move.

----------------------------------------

My fur baby Gracie has found her heaven in this couch we got from my parents. 

 Farmer's Market flowers next to our glorious hardwood stairs. I put a bobby pin cup there because I find them all over the house!

 

 Gallery wall with photos of us, watercolors of Bible verses and a bird by yours truly, and some vintage bird prints from Goodwill.

I can't get over how cute my little girl is in her spot!

 

 My family and hubby made fun of me so much for wanting that cardboard poster of elephants by the "planet earth" series that I found at Goodwill, but I cut slits in it and made it a bill holder. I think that makes me the winner of that argument. I found that chalkboard at Home Depot for $10. They sell 2'x4' pieces of chalkboard material for building supplies, but it works great in my kitchen.

Speaking of my kitchen, it came painted this lovely sage color. I am going to keep that paint color, because it looks oh-so-nice with the tile countertops. I hung a painting with the quote "Food is music to the body, music is food to the heart" over our wedding pictures above the sink. 

Couldn't help but throw in this delicious looking shot of the nectarines and blackberries I got at the farmer's market this weekend. Yum!

I will be posting pics of our new bedroom, Everett's new studio, and my new workspace later this week! Any ideas of what color textiles and paint I should go with for the living room?

Have a blessed week!
--Caroline

Summer To Do List

1. Become a regular at the dog park.
2. Run a 5K with Everett.
3. Establish a regular date night.
4. Have fresh flowers in the house weekly.
5. Find my summer style. (Living in the mountains made me forget how to dress in the heat!)
6. Start and maintain a patio garden.
7. Start every day over coffee with my husband.

What are your summer goals?

--Caroline

Spaghetti and Waffles

We were told this in our premarital counseling, and it comes out in our marriage on a regular basis. This phrase explains some differences in the way men and women think. Men compartmentalize. When approaching a problem, they isolate it like one square of a waffle until it's taken care of. When it makes them upset, they are upset about that one square.

When women are upset, the offending problem is connected to another problem, which is connected to another problem, which is connected... and so on. This is a great mental process for some situations, because we are great at finding relationships between things. However, when something goes wrong, it all goes wrong.

Here's an example: I can't find anything to wear because I'm fat because I don't have time to work out because I am stressed out at work because I have to put in extra hours to make money because I need to pay bills and have money left over to buy clothes because I can't find anything to wear.

Another way to look at it is to imagine your brain like a net. If one section of the net gets pulled down, all the surrounding sections get pulled down with it.

You may find that when you complain about a problem to your husband, he wants to solve that one before you even approach the next one. This is one of the major differences between men and women. Don't freak out that he doesn't understand the relationships between all of your problems. He's showing you love by putting on his emotional workboots to handle that one problem, so accept it! Men are fixers. If you want to cry about all of your problems just to make you feel better, call your mom or a girlfriend. It'll just frustrate him that he can't do anything about it.

It's ok to have problems. It's ok to want to cry. It's not ok to hold your husband accountable for gender differences. Call your girlfriends or mom! Go to the humane society and snuggle with baby puppies! Send me a long email of your problem and I'll pray for it! Whatever you do, realize that your husband loves you and is on your side. Let him in to a little bit of your crazy and he'll do his best to help where he can.

--Caroline

Unrealistic expectations

Our premarital counseling was incredible. Our pastor and his wife gave us amazing life advice and really helped set us up for a happy marriage. One day, our pastor warned us against setting unrealistic expectations. "He might not pick up his clothes every day, she might not wash the dishes every night." He told us to realize that we were going into this as two imperfect humans, and that two imperfect people do not make one perfect marriage.

This is so unbelievably true. We form expectations as a way to deal with the world, but when there is a disconnect between our expectations and reality, we face disappointment. Understanding both what you can realistically expect from your partner and what they can expect from you is one of the best things that can happen to your communication. 

While you should be careful to not become disillusioned with your expectations of each other, here is the greatest truth: you can never have expectations of the Lord that are too high for Him. 

Did you get that?

You can never place an expectation of something good on the Lord and have him reply, "actually, that's a little too much. I don't know if I can handle that." Even typing that makes me want to laugh at how ridiculous it sounds. 

God is the only being who will never let you down. He will never leave you, and he will never stop loving you. He will also never stop rooting for your marriage to be incredible. He created you for each other, and it honors him when you love each other. Expect everything from Jesus, because that is what he wants for you. God wants your marriage to be unrealistically amazing. He wants your love story to be legen(wait for it)dary. Claim that promise and run with it! You are human, but you are loved by the God of the universe!

A friend of mine told me about some conversations she had with women at her work, where she would be talking about something sweet her husband did, and the women would tear her marriage down by placing false expectations of failure onto her man. The women said things like, "Oh girl, you just wait. It's only a matter of time. The romance won't last."

These are lies! The experiences these women speak from are coming out of marriages that were not centered on a perfect and loving God. You are allowed to believe that your marriage will continue to be great, because you have the support and resources you need. Marriage without God is way more difficult to do, but you can set yourself up for success by placing God in His rightful place. Marriage was created to be awesome.

You can have a love story for the ages, even though the house may not always be clean and your words may not always be the right ones. With God at the center, things make a whole lot more sense. 

--Caroline 

Adjustment

Time for an update! We moved three weeks ago. We left the town we met, fell in love, and got married in to start a new life together in Charlotte, NC. I miss my mountains with all of my heart. 

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever love this town as much as I did the mountains, but right now I don't see how that is possible. I want to find the hidden corners of this town like I do my husband's heart, because a desire for constant discovery is essential to loving. 

We moved here for an internship, which my husband loves. I applied for and got a job working in a boutique, and I work as a stylist picking out clothes for women. I love my job, and I adore my coworkers. 

A few days ago, the store had an event for bloggers in the Charlotte area. I met a lot of wonderful women, and I might be joining the group to find some local buddies. I think the hardest thing about this move is that I don't yet have a community. My husband works at an amazing studio and spends time with artists he loves every day, but I only go to work and come home. I am looking forward to finding people to live life with in this town, but right now I am becoming best friends with my fur babies. 

We are currently on the road with John Mark McMillan and the band, but are returning to Charlotte tomorrow. It's been a great couple of days with some rejuvenating worship and fellowship. Expect more posts soon, since I am fighting with the Internet company to give us our service within 3 weeks of what we were promised. 

I can't wait to get this blog revved up again! I really feel like the Lord has some awesome things in store!

Love, 

Caroline

Laughter

My husband just broke our couch. It was my parents’ for several years before we got it two weeks ago, and it has a few rips in the fabric. It is the most comfortable couch we’ve ever owned, it’s a large sectional that fills up the otherwise cavernous living room, and we (as well as the fur babies) love it. Everett decided he was going to climb over the back, and one of the boards in the frame snapped.

I was instantly faced with a choice. Would I get angry, maybe righteously so? Or would I choose to live in love, and let this slide?

I burst into giggles. We both started laughing at the silly man who tried to do the same thing our cat does every day. What could have been a fight became a funny story we’ll remember for a while.

We recently celebrated our first anniversary on May 19th. There was a certain calmness that came after we crossed that threshold, like we knew we could do this. A lot of the advice we got in the season of our wedding was centered on a common theme: laughter. “Keep your sense of humor.” “Laugh together.” “Have fun together.” I even read in an article on communication that in a fight, the least upset person can smile, even (sincerely of course!) laugh to calm the angrier person. Laughter creates friendships over chance occurrences, and gives existing relationships strength through shared experiences. That trite saying, “Live, laugh, love,” can be read as a sequential order of events rather than separate pieces of advice.

Laughter can be holy; it can be sacred. We love a joyful God who loves us and gave us this ability for a reason.

Making silly faces for an email to help a friend feel better.

We are now sitting on our couch on the non-broken section, working on our laptops and snuggling under a blanket. I am really happy, and I am tempted to laugh again when I look at the sagging section. Praise the Lord who created laughter that fills from the toes to the scalp! It’s hard not to be in love with such a God, and hard not to love the man he gave me who makes me laugh like that.

--Caroline

Q: What do you call a nosy pepper?
A: Jalapeño business!

Excited Contentment

Driving down the mountain today, I was struck by the beauty of my surroundings. The sky was full of silver clouds heavy with impending rain, but the trees glowed with remnants of the day's light thrown by a stray sunbeam peeking through the gloom. The mountain shone green with life and and the renewal that only comes after a long winter.

______________________________________

I think of myself as a "neophile": someone who loves newness and change. "Why would someone like that get married at such a young age?" you might ask. I asked myself the same thing during our engagement. I did not date anyone for longer than three months before I met Everett, because I did not enjoy dragging something out that I knew was not the right relationship for me. I constantly pick new hobbies, and my style of clothing changes every season. "Contentment" sounded (and sometimes still sounds) stagnant and boring to my ears. I prayed about this so much after he proposed, and the risk he was taking with me weighed heavy on my heart.

A few months after we got married, the Lord revealed to me that my marriage was going to be like learning to reread a book; a complicated book, one that would change in my eyes a little bit every time I read it, but the same book the whole time.

As I drove down this mountain, I saw our marriage as the peak. Strong, solid, and growing older by the second. I then saw the blossoming trees as our experiences together, and almost cried at the beauty of the ever-freshening glory of loving the one you're with. Each new day is an opportunity to cherish him, to discover him, to love him. Each new experience adds to the health of our lives, and our rocky spots will become smoothed by harsh weather.

 

I am excitedly content with my husband. 

Direction

I was spending time with the Lord the other day, waiting for my clothes to finish at the laundromat, when I started praying for direction in my life. Now, I have recently learned that saying, "Lord, teach me          " is not the prayer to pray if you are looking for the easy way out. "Teach me patience" brought a situation in which I had to wait longer than I ever had. "Teach me how to love," brought someone into my life that was really hard to love in the ways that I knew how. "Teach me how to trust," put me so far out of my comfort zone I had anxiety attacks. Looking back on them, I realize I did get all of the things I asked for and more, but God did not follow my plan and just place those qualities into my heart. I had to learn them, to train for them like working on a muscle group.

My friend Tim Roberts spoke those words last Sunday at church, and they hit me right in the gut. Instead of whining about my situation, why am I not praying songs of praise for the growth that's happening?

I started trying to begin every prayer session with praise and thanks, and my attitude changed. I feel happier about where we are, even with so much uncertainty about our future. I don't know where I'm going to work after we move, we don't know how much utilities are going to take out of our little budget, and we don't know how much work we'll get as musicians. We don't know where we're going to church, who we're going to spend time with, or where I'll find friends. 

Last Wednesday, I was praying for direction, pouring my heart out in my journal while sitting at the  laundromat. I asked, "Lord, where is my direction? Why can I not find answers? It's getting down to the wire, and I am scared." 

He answered, 

"Driving in the fog teaches you how to pay attention to the road."

I was completely wrecked by this statement. I had wanted sunny roads with clear signage and a GPS, but the Lord had given me a mountain road, full of twists and turns and covered by fog. Here in the mountains, we ridicule the poor little Floridians* who drive 5 mph in any weather other than sunshine. I had spiritually been a Floridian driver, scared that my little car would flip on any turn and intimidated by a lack of totally clear vision. God is teaching me how to trust him, how to have faith that I will not go off a cliff because:

...We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Jesus has told me and some prophetic people that he has an incredible plan for me to make a difference in the lives of young women, and I believe that I am on the right road. I really do believe that once we move, we will find a church, friends, work, and enough money to live. I can't wait to get there.

*Note: If you are from Florida, I have nothing against you. (Just drive a little faster while you're up here in the mountains!)

With Love,

--Caroline

In Sickness & In Health (Pt. 2)

Health kicks are my specialty. I love to do a couple weeks of intense working out while I have time, because I don't have the kind of schedule that can keep up a rigorous workout routine. I love going vegetarian for weeks at a time, because I can feel the effect veggies have on my body and meat is more expensive than beans. This time, I have made a bet with my husband. The first person to lose 10 pounds gets $50 of fun money out of the budget. I am one of those people who weighs a lot more than I look like I do, so I've never felt much pressure to lose weight. However, I've decided I want to get fit while I am young and strong.

"Results from two studies presented at the American Orthopaedic Society for Sports Medicine Specialty Day indicate that exercise at a young age can improve bone growth and reduce fracture risk in old age."

Orthopedics Today 

My BMI is right at the border between normal and overweight, and I want to eventually get back down to what I weighed at the wedding. I am heavier right now than I have been in my entire life. One of the (many) hidden truths about marriage is that it can be really fattening.

"In a given two-year period, women who married were 46 percent more likely to gain a large amount of weight than women who remained unmarried."

The Today Show

I was shocked at that statistic. I know I gained weight because I cooked for us and served us the same, man-sized portions, but I didn't realize how my wifely responsibilities were taking a toll on my fitness as well.

I've decided to make a fitness plan. I usually just change one little thing, get disappointed when it doesn't work, and slip easily back into my old lifestyle.

Meatless Mondays (and Wednesdays and Fridays)
Going veggie is something I do a lot as a natural habit, but committing to not eat meat three days a week will also cut down on the "meat associates" I eat going to fast food restaurants: fries, sodas, etc. It will also give me a chance to introduce some more veggies into my diet.

Training Mindset
I have seen a lot of improvement in my motivation to work out since I started my self-defense class. Something about having a large man with a thick Southern accent yell at me ("Would those pushups get someone off your back??") has helped me to find that innate sense of motivation that I have never had. I never succeeded in sports, and I loved books and yoga as a teen. When I met Everett, he tried to get me to start running. He was on the cross country team in high school, and has a twin that pushed him to be stronger and faster. Running has always been my least favorite physical activity. I've recently started trying to run and work on the weight machines at least three days a week while I still have access to the school's free gym membership. When I put on my workout clothes, I'm no longer thinking "I want to lose weight." I'm thinking, "I want to be powerful, strong, and healthy." If you're looking for your own motivation, try Reasons To Be Fit. This website was started as a reaction to all the "reasons to be thin" and pro-anorexia websites out there. Good stuff!

Hydration
I hate the taste of water. I really do. If I drink it too fast, I feel nauseous. I want to change that by forcing myself to drink a whole bottle of water every day. For you water junkies out there, that may not seem like much, but for me, it's a big step.

Mindfulness
If I keep fitness in mind, any activity can become an exercise. We're moving, so I can strength train with boxes. I work for a senior citizen, so I can focus on running up and down the stairs at her house.

Depression Help
As I wrote last time, exercise is one of the top ways that doctors recommend to fight depression. It gives you a rush of the happy chemicals that your brain is having trouble generating on its own. I want to get as addicted to running as my husband is, and to assist my medicine in maintaining a proper brain chemistry.

Worship

 

I recently started getting into the habit of offering everything as worship, and it changed my attitude. If you do what you do for the Lord, you will succeed! It's that simple! One of my mentors said that when she has negative thoughts about her body, she prays. She said the Lord answered her that she needs to exercise for her health, not for her looks, and that taking care of herself honors him and makes her more effective. Now when she works out, she's happy and excited rather than self-deprecating and resentful of her limitations.

If you are have a fitness regimen, what is it? What are the biggest obstacles to your health in your marriage? 

Go out and kick butt!

--Caroline

In Sickness & In Health

I have heard story after story of spouses sacrificially giving of themselves when their spouse is sick. Cancer seems to dominate the field. I deal with something different. Not as serious as cancer, not as temporary as a cold. I deal with an anxiety disorder every day of my life. That's when I wondered:

How do you fulfill your vows when you are the sick one?

What is my responsibility to my husband when I can think of nothing but my suffocating fears? How do I love him through my periods of total self-absorption?

Depression and anxiety affect 1 in 5 women at some point in their lives. How can we keep these illnesses from infecting our marriages?

When you do something selfless, you end up thinking of yourself less. 
Depression and anxiety do their worst when you get turned inside yourself and become self-destructive. The best way to get out of this cycle is to serve someone. Try serving your spouse. Do something you are not required to do.

Take responsibility for your actions.
It's also really tempting to blame every bad behavior on the illness. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you, it's the depression." "I can't clean the house, I need to curl up in bed for a while." "No honey, not tonight, I just feel so sad." Resist this temptation! You are sick, but you also have to take responsibility for your actions. It's tough to hear and tougher to do, but when you become a "black hole of suckiness", your negative behaviors can really take a toll on your marriage. However, when you really can't do something, don't force it. Just don't take out your feelings on your spouse. They are trying to support you.

Take care of yourself.
This is not in contradiction to the first point. You can take care of yourself without becoming totally selfish. I know it's cliche, but the best thing you can do for yourself at this time is to exercise. Take your husband with you to the gym. It's a great way to work up the good brain chemicals while building your relationship.
*You may be tempted to go shopping to get those endorphins raging, but if you're on a budget, be very careful! Depression and anxiety sometimes bring manic episodes along that cause you to spend much more than you intended.

Reach out.
It's ok if you can't get better on your own.
It's ok to ask for help.
It's ok to get medicated if you need to.
It's not your fault.

I reached out to my pastor and a doctor when I realized my depression and anxiety was a constant and chronic problem rather than the acute problem I thought it was. Something I had a hard time dealing with was reconciling medication with my faith. I believe that God is (among other things) the ultimate healer and provider of joy. I spent months in prayer and study, trying to dig myself out of the hole. I got so discouraged about my lack of faith causing me to stay depressed and anxious. After some counseling, I came to this conclusion:

God is the ultimate healer. He gave doctors and pharmacists the wisdom to invent medications that can help me. 
God is the provider of joy. I was receiving joy constantly, but my brain chemistry let it be knocked out of my hands at the slightest bump. 

 
It's hard to talk about depression and anxiety. Don't hesitate to talk to your friends, your pastor, or a trusted mentor. I've listed some resources below.

Don't give this sickness any power over your marriage.

Find joy in everything today,

--Caroline

Taking Care of Yourself When Depressed
What is Depression?
What is an Anxiety Disorder?
Need help finding help?
Tips on Controlling Panic and Anxiety

For Richer, For Poorer (Pt. 2)

1. Don't worry. Anxiety about money can seep into every area of your life, and can case you to doubt and fear a lot of things. You WILL make it. It will be difficult, you may eat the same thing every night, but you will make it. 

2. Learn to make things. Everett and I like to have drinks when we’re at home (non-alcoholic). I have been making sweet tea since I was a preteen, so 2 tea bags and 1 cup of sugar to make a gallon of tea was an easy fix for me. It’s not the healthiest option, but it is better and cheaper than soda. Do your research before you start making tons of things from scratch; bread can be cheaper pre-made (although homemade bread is not expensive, you may take the cost of your time into consideration!).

3. Play outside. The parks in your area are public resources, meaning they should be free! A good hike can be a romantic and healthy date, and nothing's cuter than playing baseball or basketball with your man. Zoos are my personal favorite outdoor activity, and local ones usually only cost a few dollars.

4.    Get off your high horse. That’s right. You are not above Wal-Mart (as my husband once thought we were). You are not above Ramen or laundromats. You do not have to have meat at every meal. These things were provided by God to help us make ends meet. Suck it up and realize that you are not as financially established as your parents may be. 

5.    Skip Cable, just get Internet. With services like Netflix and Hulu Plus, it’s really hard to justify an extra $50 per month as opposed to $8-$16. We pay $30/month for Internet and $8 for Netflix, and it is beyond worth it. Don’t let the “bundles” fool you with their discounts.

6.  Count your blessings. If you have not yet read Ann Voskamp’s book,  One Thousand Gifts, get it. In it she tells about her battle not with cancer, but with the despair that comes with it. She began to write a list of gifts from the Lord, and it exploded into countless revelations about the Lord’s heart. Buy it, read it, start your own list. The more you start to thank God for what is in your life, the less you will want. It is amazing what a peace-bringing effect this book has. 

 

Buy it here!

 7. Date Nights at Home! Here are a few ideas we've come up with:

• Bring out the fancy dishes you got as wedding presents and eat your cheap spaghetti on them by candlelight.
• Have a cleaning party. Might not seem fun at first, but as we heard from a pastor in Wilmington, "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes." Turn up the 90s music, put on your cutest t-shirt and sweats, and have at it. You'll be amazed at how relaxing it is to have a sparkling clean house that smells good. As an added bonus, husbands look really cute with an apron on. 
• Bring out every pillow and blanket you own and make a fort in the living room for movie night. Rent a RedBox (cheap if you return it on time!) and eat cheap junk food. 

If you are an American, you live in one of the richest countries in the world.You may not be able to live as freely as some of your friends, but you are so incredibly blessed. Act like it, and you may be surprised at how little you actually need. 

PS: Kisses are free!

--Caroline

For Richer, For Poorer (Pt. 1)

The F word. Finances. The scariest part of starting a new life together. If you are a college couple, you are most likely experiencing the "poorer" part. As freelance and traveling musicians, budgeting is sort of this vague concept rather than a strict set of rules. His brother and sister-in-law got married before we did, and they have done great things with their budget. I asked her to write a little bit about her view on finances, and this is what she said:

"Right before we got married a mentor of ours was talking to us about finances and pointed out this verse. Malachi 3:10 says: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it."
So we really base our finances on it. We decided in our hearts on a percentage of all our income to go to whatever cause or church we think it should go to. I usually keep a record of it in my purse, so when we hear of a cause or want to make a contribution we know how much tithe we have at the time. Besides that we set ourselves caps for the week for food and gas and individual choice expenses (so that we're not asking for permission from each other to buy things for ourselves). We think it's probably a good idea to have a savings account, just in case. But it all goes back to the tithe really; we have never found ourselves wanting, and he has always provided for the big things and the small things."

She hit the nail on the head. My mom said it like this: "God can do more in your life with 90% of your income than you can do with 100%." Tithing gives God an opportunity to bless you like none other. Look back at that verse, Malachi 3:10: "'Test me in this,' says the Lord Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.'" All over the Word, there are warnings that you should never "test the Lord your God." Here, however, is a different story. Try it for a month or two. Tithe. Give out of faith that God will take care of you. I will agree with my sister in law that when you tithe, you are never found wanting. It is almost scary how effective this is. One month we gave out of faith, knowing that we probably couldn't afford to spare the $50 tithe. The next morning, I checked the mail and found an $800 check from financial aid that we were not expecting. I was overwhelmed with the love and power of our Lord.

Note: My pastor has led a majorly college aged community for 20 years, and advised us against giving out of student loans. Don't do it. Don't tithe from a credit card. Only tithe from your actual income, not from debt. If your budget starts to get really tight, pray about tithing 5% or less for a little while, but don't stop. Our God is so loving, He won't let you starve.

Try as hard as you can not to get into credit card debt. A few bad mistakes can take you years to recover from, and can put a big strain on your marriage. Next time, I'm going to talk about corners you can cut to live the good life without "becoming a slave to the lender" (Proverbs 22:7).

Most of the college couples I have talked to went through a "rice and Ramen" period right after their wedding. We had the same thing happen, where we got down to $200 in the bank at one point. Everett's car got hit on our wedding day, and the small dent and broken taillight only cost $40 to DIY fix. The man who hit it, however, was an elderly man who had never been in an accident, and insisted on paying us what the body shop quoted. Without that check, I don't think we would have made it through the summer. If you are in the R&R period, don't give up! One day you will miss the romance of eating beans and rice off a TV table in your living room. Lean times can make smart budgeters. If you're lucky like me, you will always feel a small pang of anxiety when you spend large chunks of money. That is a healthy fear and respect for spending, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

These are the best of times.

--Caroline

Wash 'n' Wear

One dark and gloomy day, I put on a comfy outfit to go run errands and see friends. I walked out of the bedroom and Everett said the following statement with a wincing face:

"You look...good, but lately you kind of look off the market."

I quickly retorted, "I AM off the market!" laughing and putting on a scarf.  I thought about it later, and realized that I had entered marriage with all these grand ideas of how I would dress like a classy Southern lady, but had ended up wearing my work uniform all the time. As a senior citizen assistant, I wear comfy (ugly) shoes, jeans, and a casual/modest shirt. Although I will defend my right to wear yoga pants to the end, I realized that I could dress nicely as a way to honor my husband, not just to make myself feel good. Now, I realize this brings up lots of feminist arguments, like "Don't let a man dictate what you wear!", which I am not. Everett will tell you, I wear exactly what I want. I'm talking about making your husband do a double take when he sees you out in public, about making him excited about being married to such a hot chick.

my laundromat is so hip. (and nosy!)

Most of my clothes are thrifted, like that belt, dress and those boots ($1, $4 and $6, respectively). I usually get my other clothes from Target and TJ Maxx. I don't like to spend money (a topic we'll address later!).  

When you feel cute, you feel good, and you remind your husband (even if he doesn't think he's forgotten) how cute the woman he married is. It's a win win situation. Try it!

--Caroline

For Better or For Worse

This phrase is used pretty consistently in society to express that something is not desired or not the best outcome.

"Well, I guess that's our new president, for better or for worse."

"I'm stuck in this job, for better or for worse."

"I guess I have to stay with you, for better or for worse."

I think that this phrase is one of the most exciting parts of the entire covenant. Who else better to lean on in the dark times than someone who has literally vowed before God that they will stand by you, for better or for worse?

Jump up and down! Get excited! This is AWESOME!

Need I list the "worse" parts of life that the enemy throws at us?

• Stress
• Anxiety
• Money troubles
• Friend troubles
• HOMEWORK
• Job insecurity
• ANY kind of insecurity

This list is not all-inclusive, obviously. The other side of it is the hard part of marriage, the fact that you are two people who have grown up for at least 18 years in different families, most likely went to different high schools, and have different ways of viewing the world. When you look at the human part of marriage, the fact that marriage is a uniting of two people, it's a miracle that it ever works.
The world likes to try to get us to believe that you should stay married "as long as you're in love." The great Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it differently:

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage,
but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”

           -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

We are called as Christians to live in ways that are totally upside down from the rest of the world. This is a radical act, to stay in love with someone because of your marriage. I'm going to go into that more when I get to the vow, "to love and cherish", but for today, that love means realizing that problems are temporary, vows are not. I am not a divorcee-hater, but I'd venture to say they would agree with me that if you can avoid divorce, do your absolute best.

We have been learning this vow lately as I have been going through some depression and physical sickness. I can be a "black hole of suckiness" (Everett's words) when I get depressed. He has been sticking by my side in little ways that help immensely. The other day at Subway, I didn't want anything because my appetite was just not there. He fixed it by ordering my favorite sub (which is not his favorite!) and making me split it with him. The next day he took me out to breakfast at my favorite local spot after driving himself to and from his 8 am class just to let me sleep late.

Last night he had a headache and came home burnt out from teaching. I decided to match his effort at "loving you at your worst" by making pizza and turning on a samurai movie. Let me tell you girls, no matter how much you hate the sound of a sword slicing through the neck of a peasant, it somehow does wonders for a man's soul.

Challenge yourself this week to directionality. When the going gets tough, get excited. This is where the really big growth and unconditional love kicks in.

Happy Good Friday!

--Caroline

To Have and to Hold

Attention: In this post, I will address matters of ownership and sacrifice in marriage. This is NOT advocating an abusive marriage or one that devalues the woman. This IS advocating a marriage where each party is sacrificing their entire being willfully and joyfully. If you believe you may be in an abusive relationship, please seek help immediately.

________________________________________________________

"To have and to hold, a phrase app[arently] of legal origin ...: To have (or receive) and keep or retain, indicating continuance of possession."

"habendum et tenendum. A clause or series of clauses in an instrument of conveyance (i.e. a Deed) which defines the extent of title (i.e. fee simple or such other title) being transferred to the new owner of land."--Real Estate Glossary

What does ownership mean in the context of marriage? Here is what ownership does NOT mean:

NOT:

• Determining where the other is allowed to go. 
• Controlling one or more aspects of their life against their will.
• Dictating how the other dresses.
• Choosing the other's friends.
• Using physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
• Controlling the other's money or other resources.  
• Etc.

These bullet points were taken from a list of abuse indicators. If you have any of these in your relationship, please seek help as soon as possible.

I am not advocating an ancient marriage, where the wife is treated as property that is transferred from her father to her husband for a few cows. I am, however, speaking about a marriage of ownership. When you say your vows, you are making a covenant before the Lord. The Hebrew word for covenant comes from the phrase "to cut". When making a covenant in biblical times, the two people involved would make a sacrifice of some sort to make the agreement between them sacred and unbreakable. The sacrifice you make on your wedding day is a sacrifice of many of your rights. You can no longer make decisions about your finances, your future, or your body without consulting your husband.
Contrary to popular belief, this is not limiting. In fact, the power created by the combination of both of your experiences, beliefs, and lives will make your marriage an absolute rocket ship of effectiveness and action if you can give up the control that we as women are cautioned and conditioned to guard.

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. --1 Corinthians 7:4

The difficult part of this vow is the temptation to exert that God-given control over your spouse. This is the opposite way that it was intended. Sacrificing your desires, dreams, and entitlements is one of the greatest acts of love.

I have struggled with this part of the vows for some time now. I am better with numbers, so I keep track of the money. I have a more flexible schedule, so I do most of the housework and shopping. I have to readjust my sight to realize that just because I run the majority of the household and finances, I am not in control of this marriage. I need to follow my husband's heart as he sees his dream materializing in front of his eyes. The more I do this, the happier I find myself in this marriage. He supports me in my thousand dreams and never makes any large purchases without consulting me about the state of our finances. We have to give this marriage back to the Lord each and every day, but we cannot be good stewards of something that we do not own. We fail at it every day, but the success is so sweet. Each of us depends on the other for success on this, and it is deeply beautiful when it is done right.

--Caroline