Excited Contentment

Driving down the mountain today, I was struck by the beauty of my surroundings. The sky was full of silver clouds heavy with impending rain, but the trees glowed with remnants of the day's light thrown by a stray sunbeam peeking through the gloom. The mountain shone green with life and and the renewal that only comes after a long winter.

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I think of myself as a "neophile": someone who loves newness and change. "Why would someone like that get married at such a young age?" you might ask. I asked myself the same thing during our engagement. I did not date anyone for longer than three months before I met Everett, because I did not enjoy dragging something out that I knew was not the right relationship for me. I constantly pick new hobbies, and my style of clothing changes every season. "Contentment" sounded (and sometimes still sounds) stagnant and boring to my ears. I prayed about this so much after he proposed, and the risk he was taking with me weighed heavy on my heart.

A few months after we got married, the Lord revealed to me that my marriage was going to be like learning to reread a book; a complicated book, one that would change in my eyes a little bit every time I read it, but the same book the whole time.

As I drove down this mountain, I saw our marriage as the peak. Strong, solid, and growing older by the second. I then saw the blossoming trees as our experiences together, and almost cried at the beauty of the ever-freshening glory of loving the one you're with. Each new day is an opportunity to cherish him, to discover him, to love him. Each new experience adds to the health of our lives, and our rocky spots will become smoothed by harsh weather.

 

I am excitedly content with my husband. 

Direction

I was spending time with the Lord the other day, waiting for my clothes to finish at the laundromat, when I started praying for direction in my life. Now, I have recently learned that saying, "Lord, teach me          " is not the prayer to pray if you are looking for the easy way out. "Teach me patience" brought a situation in which I had to wait longer than I ever had. "Teach me how to love," brought someone into my life that was really hard to love in the ways that I knew how. "Teach me how to trust," put me so far out of my comfort zone I had anxiety attacks. Looking back on them, I realize I did get all of the things I asked for and more, but God did not follow my plan and just place those qualities into my heart. I had to learn them, to train for them like working on a muscle group.

My friend Tim Roberts spoke those words last Sunday at church, and they hit me right in the gut. Instead of whining about my situation, why am I not praying songs of praise for the growth that's happening?

I started trying to begin every prayer session with praise and thanks, and my attitude changed. I feel happier about where we are, even with so much uncertainty about our future. I don't know where I'm going to work after we move, we don't know how much utilities are going to take out of our little budget, and we don't know how much work we'll get as musicians. We don't know where we're going to church, who we're going to spend time with, or where I'll find friends. 

Last Wednesday, I was praying for direction, pouring my heart out in my journal while sitting at the  laundromat. I asked, "Lord, where is my direction? Why can I not find answers? It's getting down to the wire, and I am scared." 

He answered, 

"Driving in the fog teaches you how to pay attention to the road."

I was completely wrecked by this statement. I had wanted sunny roads with clear signage and a GPS, but the Lord had given me a mountain road, full of twists and turns and covered by fog. Here in the mountains, we ridicule the poor little Floridians* who drive 5 mph in any weather other than sunshine. I had spiritually been a Floridian driver, scared that my little car would flip on any turn and intimidated by a lack of totally clear vision. God is teaching me how to trust him, how to have faith that I will not go off a cliff because:

...We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Jesus has told me and some prophetic people that he has an incredible plan for me to make a difference in the lives of young women, and I believe that I am on the right road. I really do believe that once we move, we will find a church, friends, work, and enough money to live. I can't wait to get there.

*Note: If you are from Florida, I have nothing against you. (Just drive a little faster while you're up here in the mountains!)

With Love,

--Caroline

In Sickness & In Health (Pt. 2)

Health kicks are my specialty. I love to do a couple weeks of intense working out while I have time, because I don't have the kind of schedule that can keep up a rigorous workout routine. I love going vegetarian for weeks at a time, because I can feel the effect veggies have on my body and meat is more expensive than beans. This time, I have made a bet with my husband. The first person to lose 10 pounds gets $50 of fun money out of the budget. I am one of those people who weighs a lot more than I look like I do, so I've never felt much pressure to lose weight. However, I've decided I want to get fit while I am young and strong.

"Results from two studies presented at the American Orthopaedic Society for Sports Medicine Specialty Day indicate that exercise at a young age can improve bone growth and reduce fracture risk in old age."

Orthopedics Today 

My BMI is right at the border between normal and overweight, and I want to eventually get back down to what I weighed at the wedding. I am heavier right now than I have been in my entire life. One of the (many) hidden truths about marriage is that it can be really fattening.

"In a given two-year period, women who married were 46 percent more likely to gain a large amount of weight than women who remained unmarried."

The Today Show

I was shocked at that statistic. I know I gained weight because I cooked for us and served us the same, man-sized portions, but I didn't realize how my wifely responsibilities were taking a toll on my fitness as well.

I've decided to make a fitness plan. I usually just change one little thing, get disappointed when it doesn't work, and slip easily back into my old lifestyle.

Meatless Mondays (and Wednesdays and Fridays)
Going veggie is something I do a lot as a natural habit, but committing to not eat meat three days a week will also cut down on the "meat associates" I eat going to fast food restaurants: fries, sodas, etc. It will also give me a chance to introduce some more veggies into my diet.

Training Mindset
I have seen a lot of improvement in my motivation to work out since I started my self-defense class. Something about having a large man with a thick Southern accent yell at me ("Would those pushups get someone off your back??") has helped me to find that innate sense of motivation that I have never had. I never succeeded in sports, and I loved books and yoga as a teen. When I met Everett, he tried to get me to start running. He was on the cross country team in high school, and has a twin that pushed him to be stronger and faster. Running has always been my least favorite physical activity. I've recently started trying to run and work on the weight machines at least three days a week while I still have access to the school's free gym membership. When I put on my workout clothes, I'm no longer thinking "I want to lose weight." I'm thinking, "I want to be powerful, strong, and healthy." If you're looking for your own motivation, try Reasons To Be Fit. This website was started as a reaction to all the "reasons to be thin" and pro-anorexia websites out there. Good stuff!

Hydration
I hate the taste of water. I really do. If I drink it too fast, I feel nauseous. I want to change that by forcing myself to drink a whole bottle of water every day. For you water junkies out there, that may not seem like much, but for me, it's a big step.

Mindfulness
If I keep fitness in mind, any activity can become an exercise. We're moving, so I can strength train with boxes. I work for a senior citizen, so I can focus on running up and down the stairs at her house.

Depression Help
As I wrote last time, exercise is one of the top ways that doctors recommend to fight depression. It gives you a rush of the happy chemicals that your brain is having trouble generating on its own. I want to get as addicted to running as my husband is, and to assist my medicine in maintaining a proper brain chemistry.

Worship

 

I recently started getting into the habit of offering everything as worship, and it changed my attitude. If you do what you do for the Lord, you will succeed! It's that simple! One of my mentors said that when she has negative thoughts about her body, she prays. She said the Lord answered her that she needs to exercise for her health, not for her looks, and that taking care of herself honors him and makes her more effective. Now when she works out, she's happy and excited rather than self-deprecating and resentful of her limitations.

If you are have a fitness regimen, what is it? What are the biggest obstacles to your health in your marriage? 

Go out and kick butt!

--Caroline

In Sickness & In Health

I have heard story after story of spouses sacrificially giving of themselves when their spouse is sick. Cancer seems to dominate the field. I deal with something different. Not as serious as cancer, not as temporary as a cold. I deal with an anxiety disorder every day of my life. That's when I wondered:

How do you fulfill your vows when you are the sick one?

What is my responsibility to my husband when I can think of nothing but my suffocating fears? How do I love him through my periods of total self-absorption?

Depression and anxiety affect 1 in 5 women at some point in their lives. How can we keep these illnesses from infecting our marriages?

When you do something selfless, you end up thinking of yourself less. 
Depression and anxiety do their worst when you get turned inside yourself and become self-destructive. The best way to get out of this cycle is to serve someone. Try serving your spouse. Do something you are not required to do.

Take responsibility for your actions.
It's also really tempting to blame every bad behavior on the illness. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you, it's the depression." "I can't clean the house, I need to curl up in bed for a while." "No honey, not tonight, I just feel so sad." Resist this temptation! You are sick, but you also have to take responsibility for your actions. It's tough to hear and tougher to do, but when you become a "black hole of suckiness", your negative behaviors can really take a toll on your marriage. However, when you really can't do something, don't force it. Just don't take out your feelings on your spouse. They are trying to support you.

Take care of yourself.
This is not in contradiction to the first point. You can take care of yourself without becoming totally selfish. I know it's cliche, but the best thing you can do for yourself at this time is to exercise. Take your husband with you to the gym. It's a great way to work up the good brain chemicals while building your relationship.
*You may be tempted to go shopping to get those endorphins raging, but if you're on a budget, be very careful! Depression and anxiety sometimes bring manic episodes along that cause you to spend much more than you intended.

Reach out.
It's ok if you can't get better on your own.
It's ok to ask for help.
It's ok to get medicated if you need to.
It's not your fault.

I reached out to my pastor and a doctor when I realized my depression and anxiety was a constant and chronic problem rather than the acute problem I thought it was. Something I had a hard time dealing with was reconciling medication with my faith. I believe that God is (among other things) the ultimate healer and provider of joy. I spent months in prayer and study, trying to dig myself out of the hole. I got so discouraged about my lack of faith causing me to stay depressed and anxious. After some counseling, I came to this conclusion:

God is the ultimate healer. He gave doctors and pharmacists the wisdom to invent medications that can help me. 
God is the provider of joy. I was receiving joy constantly, but my brain chemistry let it be knocked out of my hands at the slightest bump. 

 
It's hard to talk about depression and anxiety. Don't hesitate to talk to your friends, your pastor, or a trusted mentor. I've listed some resources below.

Don't give this sickness any power over your marriage.

Find joy in everything today,

--Caroline

Taking Care of Yourself When Depressed
What is Depression?
What is an Anxiety Disorder?
Need help finding help?
Tips on Controlling Panic and Anxiety

For Richer, For Poorer (Pt. 2)

1. Don't worry. Anxiety about money can seep into every area of your life, and can case you to doubt and fear a lot of things. You WILL make it. It will be difficult, you may eat the same thing every night, but you will make it. 

2. Learn to make things. Everett and I like to have drinks when we’re at home (non-alcoholic). I have been making sweet tea since I was a preteen, so 2 tea bags and 1 cup of sugar to make a gallon of tea was an easy fix for me. It’s not the healthiest option, but it is better and cheaper than soda. Do your research before you start making tons of things from scratch; bread can be cheaper pre-made (although homemade bread is not expensive, you may take the cost of your time into consideration!).

3. Play outside. The parks in your area are public resources, meaning they should be free! A good hike can be a romantic and healthy date, and nothing's cuter than playing baseball or basketball with your man. Zoos are my personal favorite outdoor activity, and local ones usually only cost a few dollars.

4.    Get off your high horse. That’s right. You are not above Wal-Mart (as my husband once thought we were). You are not above Ramen or laundromats. You do not have to have meat at every meal. These things were provided by God to help us make ends meet. Suck it up and realize that you are not as financially established as your parents may be. 

5.    Skip Cable, just get Internet. With services like Netflix and Hulu Plus, it’s really hard to justify an extra $50 per month as opposed to $8-$16. We pay $30/month for Internet and $8 for Netflix, and it is beyond worth it. Don’t let the “bundles” fool you with their discounts.

6.  Count your blessings. If you have not yet read Ann Voskamp’s book,  One Thousand Gifts, get it. In it she tells about her battle not with cancer, but with the despair that comes with it. She began to write a list of gifts from the Lord, and it exploded into countless revelations about the Lord’s heart. Buy it, read it, start your own list. The more you start to thank God for what is in your life, the less you will want. It is amazing what a peace-bringing effect this book has. 

 

Buy it here!

 7. Date Nights at Home! Here are a few ideas we've come up with:

• Bring out the fancy dishes you got as wedding presents and eat your cheap spaghetti on them by candlelight.
• Have a cleaning party. Might not seem fun at first, but as we heard from a pastor in Wilmington, "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes." Turn up the 90s music, put on your cutest t-shirt and sweats, and have at it. You'll be amazed at how relaxing it is to have a sparkling clean house that smells good. As an added bonus, husbands look really cute with an apron on. 
• Bring out every pillow and blanket you own and make a fort in the living room for movie night. Rent a RedBox (cheap if you return it on time!) and eat cheap junk food. 

If you are an American, you live in one of the richest countries in the world.You may not be able to live as freely as some of your friends, but you are so incredibly blessed. Act like it, and you may be surprised at how little you actually need. 

PS: Kisses are free!

--Caroline

For Richer, For Poorer (Pt. 1)

The F word. Finances. The scariest part of starting a new life together. If you are a college couple, you are most likely experiencing the "poorer" part. As freelance and traveling musicians, budgeting is sort of this vague concept rather than a strict set of rules. His brother and sister-in-law got married before we did, and they have done great things with their budget. I asked her to write a little bit about her view on finances, and this is what she said:

"Right before we got married a mentor of ours was talking to us about finances and pointed out this verse. Malachi 3:10 says: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it."
So we really base our finances on it. We decided in our hearts on a percentage of all our income to go to whatever cause or church we think it should go to. I usually keep a record of it in my purse, so when we hear of a cause or want to make a contribution we know how much tithe we have at the time. Besides that we set ourselves caps for the week for food and gas and individual choice expenses (so that we're not asking for permission from each other to buy things for ourselves). We think it's probably a good idea to have a savings account, just in case. But it all goes back to the tithe really; we have never found ourselves wanting, and he has always provided for the big things and the small things."

She hit the nail on the head. My mom said it like this: "God can do more in your life with 90% of your income than you can do with 100%." Tithing gives God an opportunity to bless you like none other. Look back at that verse, Malachi 3:10: "'Test me in this,' says the Lord Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.'" All over the Word, there are warnings that you should never "test the Lord your God." Here, however, is a different story. Try it for a month or two. Tithe. Give out of faith that God will take care of you. I will agree with my sister in law that when you tithe, you are never found wanting. It is almost scary how effective this is. One month we gave out of faith, knowing that we probably couldn't afford to spare the $50 tithe. The next morning, I checked the mail and found an $800 check from financial aid that we were not expecting. I was overwhelmed with the love and power of our Lord.

Note: My pastor has led a majorly college aged community for 20 years, and advised us against giving out of student loans. Don't do it. Don't tithe from a credit card. Only tithe from your actual income, not from debt. If your budget starts to get really tight, pray about tithing 5% or less for a little while, but don't stop. Our God is so loving, He won't let you starve.

Try as hard as you can not to get into credit card debt. A few bad mistakes can take you years to recover from, and can put a big strain on your marriage. Next time, I'm going to talk about corners you can cut to live the good life without "becoming a slave to the lender" (Proverbs 22:7).

Most of the college couples I have talked to went through a "rice and Ramen" period right after their wedding. We had the same thing happen, where we got down to $200 in the bank at one point. Everett's car got hit on our wedding day, and the small dent and broken taillight only cost $40 to DIY fix. The man who hit it, however, was an elderly man who had never been in an accident, and insisted on paying us what the body shop quoted. Without that check, I don't think we would have made it through the summer. If you are in the R&R period, don't give up! One day you will miss the romance of eating beans and rice off a TV table in your living room. Lean times can make smart budgeters. If you're lucky like me, you will always feel a small pang of anxiety when you spend large chunks of money. That is a healthy fear and respect for spending, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

These are the best of times.

--Caroline